The Paths We Choose

This post should be called Random Ramblings 2, but I liked it better with a coherent title.

I don't post very often and that's a fact. I haven't even posted on Arvaril, my random creatvivty outlet, in a long time. But today I post i suppose in a state of mental duress. Talking about how i feel isn't easy for my, it happens either when I try consiously or I am to zapped to either care or notice(my fingers are shaking as I type, forgive spelling mistakes). I have seen with most acts of creation and expression it is good to strike while the iron is hot. So today y'all are lucky(or unlucky, or indifferent for all i care).

I am writing this i suppose out of a sense of lonliness. Being lonely is something very important to me, as it has shaped most of my life. When I was 4 I was torn from my friends at South Bend Indiana and taken to Aurora, Illinois. Around 8, I made big shift 2 coming here to Mumbai. Right now I'm on the verge of another one.

I am usually very feeling. Deep down I take things to heart quickly and forget and forgive even more quickly. It is always a conscious mental act for me to dislike someone, unless that person is a well proven jerk. However, I have met jerks and incomprehensibles in my time, I have lost alot of friends to moving, I am very capable of writing people off. It isn't something I like or hate. It is something I do.

In the blog for the xav2006 batch I told anon that if your lonely its your own choice, your own fault. This is for the most part entirely true. An antigoat is by definition a lonely person(read the post) and if there is such a thing that drives you to be an Antigoat, as long as that thing doesn't change, you will be lonely. It isn't easy to accept.

Its about checks and balances and the prices we pay. I can put my heart out on a platter for the world to see, but there's always a chance it will break. I can keep it locked in to avoid the pain, but oh that pleasure you get from good friends and happy times, am I willing to miss it. Now with great relish, cause I'm an anal-retentive Narc who loves cliches and puzzle pieces, I'll point back to the title that says "The Paths We Choose". I will show you the deep black background of the blog and ask you to picture some stars. Cause on lonely nights when I'm the only one awake, and the world outside is dark, and the house around me is dark, I'm gonna stare at these things and ponder the stars and space and the wonderful lonliness of being free, free to love, cherish, explore, and express, yourself, for yourself. And i may cry, when no one is there, to see me or hold me or share in that joy; cause that is the price of being lonely. There are plenty of smiles, but noone to share them with. And that's all.